Learning from our children. 

Over the years I have learned many things from my students.  I have learned dinosaur and animal facts, I have learned a great way to easily describe a tornado and many interesting facts about different religions and cultures. Recently I have learned that not only do the students add to my knowledge of facts, they also provide some amazing life lessons. 

#1 Love yourself

It was a beautiful spring day and the whole crew was outside. I was sitting with a baby on my lap and many of our students around me. 

One of the children said "Ms Kelly, who is your favorite person in the world?" 

I said that was a hard question and I was trying to come up with an answer. Some of the children were helping me try to figure out the right answer. 

We decided that it couldn't be one of them because I love them all.  It couldn't be one of my own children because I have three and love them all equally.  One of the children said it should be my granddaughter because I only have one grandchild.  

I was ready to settle on that answer when a very wise 7 year old said "Ms Kelly the answer should be you, it is very important to love yourself."  I could not argue with that answer and we then got into a great conversation about why self love is important. 

#2 Check in on your friends

Everyone was getting ready to go outside one morning, one of the children stopped to use the bathroom on the way out.  Another child got their coat on and was heading to the back door when she stopped at the bathroom door. I was prepared for a typical 3 year old interaction, perhaps she was going to ask when the other child was going to be finished or tell them that she needed in. 

I was not prepared for what she actually said.  

She opened the door just a crack and said "Are you doing ok?" to which the other child said "Yes, I am, thank you for asking." 

I guess you could say I learned two lessons from this encounter, lesson one was the importance of checking in with our friends to make sure they are okay and lesson two was to stop underestimating how kind our students are. 

 

Advocacy 

This is Missouri State childcare advocacy week and I thought I would share with you why I think advocacy is important.

In the last week I have added five children to our waitlist.  We currently have a waitlist that is almost double our legal occupancy.  While part of that is because we have an amazing program that provides loving care and encourages social emotional growth. We also provide a stimulating environment that encourages creativity, problem solving, and higher order thinking, along with creating a community of support for our families and staff. 

Unfortunately, I don’t think our greatness is the whole reason we have such a long waiting list. I think it also has to do with the lack of other amazing places in our area.    

Prier to Covid we were already in a childcare desert, for every 40 children who needed PreK care, there was ONE spot available.  In the last year, almost 40% of small centers in Missouri have closed their doors permanently.

I often hear from families who put their child on numerous waitlists, hoping to get in somewhere soon.

I have had parents tell me that the center or home they take their child to was not their first or even second choice, but they needed childcare and that place had a spot.  

This is not how it should be!

As a director I have struggled in the past to find quality staff and options for substitutes are nonexistent at times.  Our centers need to be well staffed and there needs to be consistency in care. Consistency allows for strong attachments to form and those attachments allow a child to feel safe.  Many centers are struggling to find quality staff and turnover in early childhood is very high, making it hard for children and families to form attachments with caregivers.

This is not how it should be!

We all know that the first three years are when most brain development happens and that the years 3 to 5 can either prepare a child for school and life, or not. Parents should have numerous high-quality centers/homes with open spots to choose from.  Some parents may want early academics (despite the evidence against it) and they should have many such places to choose from.  Other families may want a play-based center where the children are outside much of the day, like Birdsall House. There should be many high-quality play-based centers for families to choose from.

The only way that is going to happen is to invest in early childhood.

The only way investment will happen is through advocacy.  We need to advocate for investment in the quality centers we already have so that they can grow and serve more children.

Did you know that many centers require a teacher to have a degree and yet the average wage for childcare in Missouri is $11.29 an hour.  Many collages are finding fewer and fewer students who want to study early childhood education due to the low wages.

The only way to change this is to invest in early childhood.

The only way investment will happen is through advocacy. We need to advocate for investment in early childhood so educators can earn a livable wage without raising the burden on families for the cost.

Our families deserve to choose who they want to trust to help raise their children. Our caregivers deserve to not have to stress about how they are going to feed their own children.

This is why I think advocacy is important.  Advocacy can be as easy as signing a petition or filling in a form to send an email.  Please consider adding your voice to the many others advocating for our children.

If you would like to be an advocate for early childhood but do not know where to start, check out http://kidswinmissouri.org/ for more information about advocacy campaigns you can add your voice to.

Thank you for supporting and advocating for children and the people who care for them.

 Let them cry

It might surprise you to know that I do not mind walking into the center and hearing children cry, in fact I like it. 

If the children never cried, I would worry. 

I would worry that the children were not being allowed to experience conflict.

I would worry that the children were being placated to keep them happy.

I would worry that the children were getting the message that it was not okay to cry.

I remember once when I worked at a traditional center in the infant/toddler room and my director walked in and asked why one of the children was crying.  I replied that she was sad, and the director told me to make her stop because they were giving a tour and it did not look good.

As my past employers will tell you, I did not always follow orders.  This child was sad, she wanted something someone else had and despite us offering other toys, she was still sad and deserved to be allowed to express that sadness.  Fortunately, she had moved on by the time the tour came by, but I had been prepared to defend her right to cry if needed.

Not only do infants deserve and need to cry and express their emotions, so do toddlers and preschoolers and even adults. 

That baby that needed to cry became a toddler and preschooler who sometimes needed to cry.  Why would she need to cry you might ask, well, there are many reasons.

None of her friends wanted to play what she wanted to play.

One of her friends played with someone else.

Someone else was playing with the toy she wanted.

And so on, there are many reasons for a child to be sad, frustrated, or angry and they deserve to be able to express those emotion

As adults most of us don’t like it when we are upset, and someone tells us to “Calm Down” or says, “It’s Ok, don’t cry”. I know for me, when someone says those things, I feel like they are not really understanding or listening to me. Instead, I like it when my friend says, “I know that you are feeling sad and it you need to cry, then cry”. 

When we go to great effort to stop a child from crying by distraction or bribery, aren't we really telling them that it's not okay for them to be crying? That how they are feeling is wrong and they need to stop expressing it?  That the only emotion we are comfortable with is happiness?  What do they learn from that? 

It seems like we expect our children to control their emotions better than adults do, but when we do not allow them to express emotions, how are they supposed to learn to control them.

The crying child I mentioned earlier is now an amazing 8-year-old who is wise and empathetic, yes, she still cries but don’t we all. And that’s okay.

 The Job of a Toddler part three

Getting what they want

Toddlers are experts at trying to get what they want.  

While I have never agreed with the term "terrible two's", I fully agree with the term "tenacious three's" but have also met many tenacious two's and even one's. 

One of the most important lessons learned during the toddler years is "how to get what I want". Toddlers will try many tactics to get what they want and the lessons they learn all depend on how parents and caregivers respond to the tactics used.  

I just spent time with a very tired three year old who didn't want to sleep. I know this child well and know that a skipped nap could end in a very unpleasant evening for her family. She employed all the typical moves, she got up and used the bathroom twice, she argued that she wasn't tired, that she was hungry and thirsty, that her clothes hurt, and on and on.  I continued to assure her that she would be ok if she waited for after nap snack because she had JUST eaten a big lunch, that her clothes were bothering her because she was tired and on and on. While it can be very frustrating watching her fight sleep, I know that she needs a nap and she needs me to allow her to test and not give in.  

Keeping a calm demeanor while dealing with a testing toddler is not easy but is very important.  If possible, tag team with one parent or caregiver switching with another when needed. This sends the message that everyone is on the same page and models cooperative behavior. 

Don't ever hesitate to say "I'm feeling frustrated right now and need to take a break, I'll be back in a few minutes to help you some more". Then go into another room and do whatever works for you to remain or regain your calm.  By doing so you let them know that you are not going to give up just because you are frustrated and also show that it is ok to be frustrated and to take a minute when needed. 

Many toddlers will at some point try the tantrum method of getting what they want.  I know that there is a lot of conflicting advice out there about tantrums and I always say to go with what feels right for you and works for your family. My advice is to acknowledge how they are feeling, restate why they can't get what they want and go on with your day. Remember, they can't always get what they want and they have the right to be upset about that.  

Here we see my granddaughter showing my entire extended family at a Christmas party how upset she was that she couldn't have what she wanted. 

And now her reaction when she realized a room full of people were going to let her express her feelings, but were not going to give her what she wanted. 

I recommend only paying attention to a tantrum if they are throwing things or doing something else that could hurt someone.  As with all toddler behavior, acknowledge how they feel with statements like " I know you really wanted a blue cup but all the blue cups are being used", or whatever is fueling the tantrum and then let them be. They will soon learn that tantrums don't work, it may take a few tantrums before they are sure that you won't give in, but if you are consistent, they will learn that this is not an effective way to get what they want.   

The most important thing to keep in mind is that it's ok for your child to have strong negative emotions, it is not your job to keep them happy all the time.  Despite what they may say, what they need most from you is to know that you are in charge, you can and will make the big decisions and you will love them no matter how hard they push and test.  

Always remember that the safer, more loved they feel, the harder they will test you.  So the next time your toddler melts down in public and you feel everyone's eyes on you, remember that what they think is not important, your child seeing you be strong in the face of their emotions is. 

 

The Job of a Toddler part two

 

In my last blog I wrote about toddlers and how they test in their interactions with other children.  Today I will talk briefly about how they may test you at home.

Hitting

Every toddler I know at one point tested their parents by hitting them.  It can be quite a shock the first time your sweet baby hits you and you do not know how to react.  My advice is to always react naturally, when someone hits you, it hurts.  Tell your toddler that it hurts you, make a sad face, say “ouch” whatever feels natural to you and gets the point across that it hurts (even if it does not really hurt.) If you are holding them and they repeatedly hit you, put them down, tell them that you will not allow them to hurt you and if they are going to hit, you will not hold them.

If they are hitting siblings, tell them that you will not allow them to hurt their brother/sister and if they want to play with them, they need to not hit, otherwise they will have to play by themselves.  This is a natural consequence, and the important thing is to ALWAYS remain calm and to say this in a calm, matter of fact way.  With some children you will only need to move them a few feet away, with other children you might need to use a play pen or a room with a gate.  Try not to make going into the play pen or other room seem like punishment.   Instead, it is just what needs to be done to keep others safe and always allow them to rejoin the group as soon as they are calm and ready.  Do not put them in for any set amount of time. 

Setting a timer for a set amount of time for them to “think” is punishment, allowing them to tell you when they are ready is discipline.  One is intended to punish, the other to teach.

Climbing

Imagine the joy of learning that you can climb onto all sorts of surfaces you had thought were out of our reach.

 It is like if you as an adult woke up one morning with the power to jump really high, I’m pretty sure most of you would test that power out and visit the tops of nearby buildings.

There is a good chance your toddler will try to climb on shelves, dressers, tables, and the list goes on.  This is an instance in which I have found that how we word things really makes a difference.  Instead of saying “NO” or “don’t climb” say “that’s to high”, “that’s not safe” or “keep your feet on the floor”, or stool or whatever they are allowed to climb/stand on.  If you walk into a room and find them on a table, show concern and say, “Please get down, that is not safe” and then talk about the surfaces they might hit if they fell off the table.  If you have a stool that you let them stand on to help in the kitchen, but they keep using it to climb onto the counter, tell them that it is not safe and if they continue, you will have to take it out of the room, and they will not be able to help you.  The important thing is to do it if you say it and while your toddler may cry for a day while they watch you cook without them, the next day they will probably not climb back up and if they do, take the stool away for another day.  

 As with hitting, biting, throwing and all the other many experiments your toddler is going to engage in, consistency in your reaction will make a difference and will allow them to learn what is acceptable and what is not. 

If you establish the rules, explain the consequences of not stopping the behavior, consistently enforce those consequences, acknowledge how everyone in the situation feels and try to keep calm, you will get through this.

Some examples of how to phrase things are

·         I know its frustrating that you can’t climb on the counter but It’s not safe and I worry you will get hurt.

·         I won’t allow you to hurt me, I know you are frustrated but hitting is not ok.

Toddlerhood is full of challenges, but it is also full of joy, one day you will look back on these days and smile.

Just remember the big 3 C’s

Calm, consistent and caring.  

 

The Job of a Toddler

 

I remember when I had my first toddler class back in the 1990’s.  One girl entered my class as a sweet agreeable toddler who had just turned one and was just starting to walk. In less than a month her mom was asking me “what happened to my sweet baby?”

Between the ages of one and four, children experience many changes, they learn to walk and talk and most importantly, they learn that they have power.

They have the power to express how they feel, they have the power to get what they want, they have so much power that they did not know they had before. 

Imagine you woke up one morning and discovered that you had a superpower, you would spend some time learning about your power, you would want to learn when and how to use it, how to control it, and just how far you could push it. In your attempts to understand and control your power, you might hurt other people; you might knock someone over as you fly by fast or startle someone as you run past.  You are not meaning to hurt them; you are not being mean; you are just not experienced enough with your powers to safely use them.  That is basically what a toddler is doing in those amazing and challenging toddler years.

This happens at different times for each child, just as all stages of development do.  I have known one-year olds who start testing boundaries and other children who do not start this until they are three.  No matter when they start, it is an important part of their development.  

They need to test the boundaries; they need to find out what happens when they take a toy from a friend or even when they knock another child down.  This is how they learn to use and control the power they have.  Some children push and test these boundaries for a short period and others will keep at it for months. 

This is one of the reasons why strong relationships with care givers is important.  Children need to know that they can push and push and test and test and still be loved and valued by their caregivers. Often the safer, more secure they feel, the harder they will test and push the boundaries. 

The important thing for parents and caregivers to remember during these times is that your child is not turning into a spoiled little sociopath and this behavior will not last forever.  It is also important to be consistent in how you respond to this behavior. 

I have found that the best strategy is to acknowledge how everyone in any given situation is feeling.  I recently had a two-year-old take a toy from a one-year-old.  The one-year-old cried for a few seconds and then went on to play with something else.  After watching to make sure the situation did not develop into a physical fight for the toy, I talked to the older child about what happened and about how the other child probably felt.  I did not force him to give the toy back, the other child had already moved on, I did not tell him that it was mean to take the toy, because he was not being mean, he was being two.  I helped him to understand how his action made the other child feel.  Will he take another toy, probably, will we have the same conversation twenty more time, probably? But if we consistently help him to understand the consequences of his actions, he will learn. 

There are many ways in which young children will test the boundaries, as long as you stay calm, stay consistent and talk to them, you will make it through and more than likely your sweet baby will come back as a sweet child. 

 

Mixed ages, it's only natural

One of the most unique things about Birdsall House is our mixed age group setting.  In a home, children are not usually born in litters and the younger ones learn from the older ones. Yet for some reason the traditional early childhood setting separates children by age. When you do find a program that has mixed ages groups they separate the infants and toddlers from the older children, in fact in Missouri if you have more than 20 children in your care, you have to have a floor to ceiling wall between these groups. When I found this out I was very disappointed and decided the benefits of mixed ages was so great that we will keep all our centers at 20 children or less.   

Here are the reasons I feel so strongly about letting our infants and toddlers interact with our 3,4, 5 year old's and more. 

Children learn by observing and mimicking, if children are only with children their age, they will not be inspired as much as if they are with older children. 

Here we see a two year old being inspired to challenge himself by watching his 7 year old brother. 

Children develop a sense of family with their fellow students and the older children get the opportunity to mentor and take a leadership role. 

Children do not feel pressure to achieve a skill or reach a milestone.  Everyone is at a different place in their development. The children accept each other for where they are and encourage each other when they try something new.  

There is no better way to interest a child in learning than for them to see their bigger friends doing it. 

Not only do the children learn from and teach each other, they also stay with the same group of teachers from infancy to when they leave for elementary school. 

I can't imagine going back to teaching in a single aged classroom, I see no benefit to it and would miss seeing magical interactions like this.